


Crit-dick that Hole

by Sevasha



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Beauregard is a lesbian. She's going to have sex with a guy anyways., Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, F/M, Vaginal Sex, Vanilla, You're just going to have to be okay with that., friend sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:43:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27646343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sevasha/pseuds/Sevasha
Summary: Beau wants to get off, and Caleb is a convenient tool to have lying around.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett & Caleb Widogast
Comments: 5
Kudos: 43





	Crit-dick that Hole

It had been a long day for the Mighty Nein. Long and uneventful. 8 hours of trekking through uneventful underbrush and grasslands. No deadly encounters, no ambushes by an old enemy, not even a mild excursion with a party of unknown alliance. Real boring stuff.

The upside of that was, as the day wound itself to a close, Caleb stuck a wooden rod into the ground and the Nein were able to retire in Widogast’s Nascent Nine-Sided Tower. An enjoyable, if not altogether healthy dinner and they retired to their separate bedrooms. It would otherwise be a day entirely not worth noting.

Except for the fact that Beauregard Lionett was the horniest she’d been in her fucking life.

She was already knuckle deep inside of herself, laying face up on her bed and her hips thrusting to her ceiling mirror. It wasn’t enough though, it wasn’t deep enough, it wasn’t thick enough, all her fingers did was make her more and more frustrated.

Growling, she swept her hair back out of her face and yanked her pants back up and stomped out of bed.

If it was possible to storm while floating instead of walking, Beau was doing that, up to the top floor with an “Auf” that sounded almost exactly like an angry dog barking. She went right up to Caleb’s door and started banging on that shit.

“Caleb,” she yelled. “Caleb!”

No answer.

“CALEB!”

“One second,” he Zemnian monotone called back. “I am coming just give me one second.”

Beau tapped her foot impatiently. The longer she stood out here the larger that damp spot in her pants got.

Eventually the door clicked open and Caleb stood in an undershirt and some slacks. And his book holsters, those never came off. “Ja?”

“I need you to... uh...”

“...Ja?”

Beau pushed him into the room and let the door shut behind them.

“I need you to make me some fucking dildos, dude.”

“...I’m sorry?”

“I’m so fucking horny, dude. It’s actually driving me insane, I need you to make me something.”

“Ah...” Caleb scratched awkwardly at his chin. “I ah... I believe I could... do that.”

He walked over to a small dresser and pulled a drawer open. Inside was a whole collection of smoothened artificial penises, most made of polished and glossy wood, a few porcelain or bronze.

“What, you just had those?” Beau said.

“No. It is ah... it is like the cabinet downstairs. It gives you what you, uhm, ask for.”

“Oh. Could I get one of those? So like, if this happens again, I don’t have to come to you?”

“I will absolutely supply one for you so we never have to do this again.”

“Sick.” Beau took her arm full of dildos and ran back to her room, leaving behind a furiously blushing Caleb.

Beau didn’t even wait till she made it to her bedroom before shoving things inside of herself. She got the door to her room closed behind her, tugged her pants back off and started experimenting with her new equipment.

What she found was abject disappointment and compounding frustration. Nothing worked, nothing worked. She felt like she was being edged.

For one the metal dildos were just, a bad idea to begin with. They were really cold and wholly unpleasant, she wasn’t putting those anywhere near her cooch again.

The wood ones were... fine. On any other night these would’ve done, but right now it wasn’t enough. It didn’t push the right spots, it didn’t fill her up the way she needed, it was just cold and awkward and limp sitting inside her.

Beau let out a long, beleaguered sigh as she let the sticky wet dildo fall to the ground. What she really needed, she admitted to herself with begrudging realization, was for someone to fuck her.

If she was somewhere like Zadash, this wouldn’t be a problem. She could sneak out, find a prostitute, check into a skeevy inn and get it done in the quiet of night. But she wasn’t in Zadash. She wasn’t even in Felderwind. She was in the middle of nowhere inside a magical tower disconnected from reality with no one but her closest friends and travel companions. More than a few she had a pretty strong crush on. It was a situation as sticky and frustrating as her own aching pussy, and it was getting harder to think each second as a buzzing cloud of stress overtook her brain.

She had one idea. And she was pretty sure it was a bad one.

“Caleb!” She started banging on Caleb’s door again. “CALEB!”

“I’m coming!” he yelled back. A second later the door opened again. “Ja? Do you need more stone dicks?”

Beau shoved him back into the room and slammed the door shut behind them.

“Caleb,” she said. Then she closed her eyes and took in a deep breath.

Caleb looked back at her, brow furrowed slightly, which for him was as much a look of confusion as he could give. “...Ja?”

“I need to use your dick.”

“...I already gave you a bunch. You need more?”

“No like... your dick. Your real fuckin dick, dude.”

“...Are you asking me for sex?”

“Don’t make it weird.”

“But that’s... what you’re asking me, right?”

“Yeah, whatever, it’s not a thing alright I just really need someone to fuck me. You’re like, a dude, you like women, what are you complaining about.”

“I have had sex with a woman before, this still came a bit out of nowhere.”

“Look,” she put her hands on his shoulders. “You’re the only person in this fucking tower I can trust with this.”

“I would’ve guessed Jester. Or Yasha. Or... another woman.”

“They’re like... you know. I... If I did it with one of them, I’d want it to actually mean something. Which is really, not what I need right now.”

“But, uh... still. Me?”

“Bro, Veth is, like, married and shit. Cad doesn’t do this kind of thing in general. And if I went to Fjord he’d hold it over my head for the rest of my life. You’re my friend, I know you can keep a secret, and I trust you to not give a shit the next day when I regret this. Okay?”

“...Alright. I suppose.”

“Good, now give me that fucking dick.”

Beau reached down to Caleb’s belt and yanked his trousers down, where they pooled around his feet. His surprisingly already stiff cock flicking up into the chill air. She then shoved him backwards. He tripped over his tangled mess of pants and crashed onto the floor.

Beau was already flicking her baggy pants off. They weren’t doing much to hide the flood coming out of her cooch but now the waters were properly released. The distance between them was already short, Beau made sure that her two steps forward were marked with a dragging snail trail as she squatted down over Caleb’s north-facing prick.

She squeezed her eyes shut and lowered herself down. Her pussy was so needy, so tight, that when Caleb entered her she practically sucked him up in.

She sat there, grinding on him, letting his cock twirl around inside her and scrape against every wall. The warmth, the slight give, every time Caleb squirmed underneath her, this was what she needed.

“Sheisse...” he groaned from under her. “Beauregard...”

“Dude, shut up. I’m trying to focus here.”

“I am sorry. I’m not here.”

Her hips began to rock back and forth as she began to pump up and down, letting his cock pierce to the deepest parts of her before drawing back out. That feeling of emptiness filling right back up again? It sent a tingle up her spine. That was a good fucking feeling. This was exactly what she needed, she just needed a little more.

“Mmmm,” she moaned. “Gods, yes, fuck me.”

“You want me to?”

“Bro, I said shut up.”

“You were talking to me.”

“No dude, it was like, rhetorical.”

“That’s... do you want me to, though?”

“I mean,” fuck this felt good. Beau didn’t want to stop, but she could certainly stand to kick things up a notch. “Sure?” She was close, just a little bit more and she could finally get some release.

Apparently that’s all Caleb needed to hear. In one motion he flipped Beau off of him and got to his knees, putting Beau down on all fours in front of him. And with that, he wrapped his arms around her thighs and went fucking apeshit. He began ploughing into her like an animal, wild, uncontrolled thrusting that scraped at her inner walls in a way she wasn’t expecting and wasn’t near prepared for. That tension in her chest suddenly tightened into a bundle of knots. Her breath left her and she began to pant, trying to get it back.

“Fuck. Fuck! Fuck yes.”

She couldn’t keep her eyes closed now. Fortunately, when her eyes flashed open, she wasn’t looking at Caleb. She didn’t want to think about him. But the consequence of that was that she was getting fucked like a whore while staring at a blank wall. Nothing here but her and her own pleasure. She could still hear Caleb grunting, the sounds of his hips smacking against her ass in that chaotic, unsteady rhythm. But the only thing she could see was the still image of a chair sitting in a corner.

It was too much. It was all too much.

“Fuck! I’m gonna fucking cum!”

And it finally all released.

She shuddered and tensed as her orgasm exploded back, all around Caleb’s dick, coating it in sticky wetness with some sticking to his hefty nutsack and doughy abs as he continued to slam into her.

Beau’s arms gave out, she collapsed down with her face in the carpet. White clouded outside the rim of her vision. All the tension in her body was released in that moment, her mind went numb and quiet for the first time all night, and she lay there breathing, just happy.

Caleb didn’t give a sound, other than a small “fuck”, as he suddenly pulled out of Beau’s tender pussy. She felt him erupt all over her back, flecks and strings of warm stickiness landed across her rump and pooling in the small creases and folds made by her taught muscles.

Caleb staggered back, up to his feet. Beau was content to just lie there.

“Well...” he said, panting for breath. “I hope, ah... I hope that was good enough for what... what you needed.”

“Yeah,” Beau said, with her face still half in the carpet. “Yeah, that was good.”

“Okay.” He ran a hand across his face. “Okay. I’m going to go, uhm. Wash up. You uh, you have a good night.”

His footing was still unsteady as he stumbled off to his bedroom, with his bronze bathtub.

Beau eventually pushed herself up onto her feet as well. She was still trying to catch her breath, but in a very relaxing way. In the, just got back from a good run kind of way. She was certainly sweating like she just came back from a run, she thought as she wiped some from her brow. She felt good. She felt cleared out. She definitely also needed a bath, but...

She looked down the hall where Caleb went.

Fuck it. She could go another round. She followed him back to his bedroom.

She saw him, lying out in the tub, head leaned back on the rim and staring at the ceiling. His clothes were tossed in a loose pile to the side. Beau peeled off what little she had left on her, the bandages wrapped around her hands and the tight shirt she wore to keep her tits in line and all the dangly bangles around her neck and in her hair. Without being tied up, it fell down around her shoulders.

As soon as Caleb saw her, he sat up at attention. Still a little stiff, with his hair already wet and slicked back.

“Beauregard... I think you might have the wrong room.”

“Round 2, Widogast. You up for it?”

His penis certainly seemed to be up for it, as the head bobbed up to the surface.

“Cool,” she said, and stepped over into the tub with him.

It was not a big tub. Normally only large enough for one person. But Caleb’s frame was skinny enough that she her legs could fit comfortably as she climbed onto his lap.

Facing him this time, eyes open, she slowly sank back down onto his prick. Letting the warm water envelop her and letting him fill her up once again. She was less desperate for any relief this time, it still felt really good.

It was a strange feeling, looking at Caleb. She wouldn’t call him hot, mostly cause he wasn’t a chick. He didn’t have a banging rack or soft lips or thick hair. She didn’t find him hot, honestly. When she looked down at his tensing face, all she saw was her friend, Caleb Widogast.

But she was fine with it. She could have some fun with her friend for the night. Especially on a night like this.

Slowly she picked up her pace again, felt the friction as he went in and out. The water in the tub rippled, some of it spilling out onto the floor around them.

Beau gave a soft, content moan. “Hey, can you get my back? You kinda made a mess back there.”

A quiet grunt escaped the back of Caleb’s throat before he could respond. “Ja. Ja I can do that.”

His hands went up behind her, he pulled up some of the water and let it run down her back. As the jizz was washed away, his hand traveled a bit lower. Ever so lightly, it glided down her back and over her ass until a middle finger prodded at the entrance to her asshole.

Beau tensed up, took in a light gasp through her nose.

“You’re too damn good to me, you know that?” she said.

“I’m just feeling around to see what works.”

Beau increased her speed, bouncing up and down on Caleb’s dick, hands against his chest to help her move. She was still a little dizzy, but she couldn’t stop. No, no she could, but she didn’t want to. Everything below her waist felt absolutely heavenly. Especially when that finger finally poked its way into her butt.

She was already approaching her second climax. She brought one of her hands down, started flicking it across her clit. That added bit of stimulation almost blanked her mind again on the spot. Her pussy started twitching, started squeezing again, and before she knew it, she was cumming around Caleb’s dick for the second time tonight. She slipped off of it, let the dick flop back against his stomach. And she felt bad for hogging all the attention, so she decided to try and finish him off again too.

Wrapping both hands around the shaft, she started pumping it like she figured a guy would probably like.

Caleb suddenly gripped the sides of the tub. “A little- A little looser. Not so tight, Beauregard.”

“Sorry,” she muttered, and loosened her grip a little.

Caleb didn’t let go of the tub’s rim, but he certainly stopped complaining. His hips began to buck against her hands, and all of the sudden white goop burst out from the head and floated into the water. Caleb untensed and sank farther back into the water. Beau, feeling now pleasant and also clean pushed herself all the way out and sat on the lip.

She took a moment to catch her breath again.

“Hey. Thanks for that.”

“Ja, no problem. You seemed uh... in a bad way. And we are... friends, you and I.”

“Good friends, yeah.” She gave him a nod and squeezed out some of the water that had gotten into her hair. “I’m fucking serious though, if you tell anyone about this I’ll beat the shit out of you.”

“No, I believe you. I am not one for gossip anyways, but it would be ah... you can trust me.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

She gathered her clothes off the floor and started tugging them back on, preparing herself for the walk of shame. Or the float of shame.

“Anyways. Uh, night,” she said.

“Gute nacht, Beauregard. Sleep well.”

She didn’t say it, but she was damn sure she would.

* * *

The next morning, Beauregard was just finishing tying her hair back as she floated down into the dining room. The smell of pastries and sweets quickly invaded her nose, honestly she was a little sick of it, but so long as she had her plate of bacon she couldn’t complain.

She couldn’t help but glance at what Caleb was doing as she entered. He ate a bowl of porridge with a thousand yard stare into nothing. But like, that was normal for him, so she didn’t worry about it.

“Hi, Beau!” Jester called out with her mouth half full. “Did you sleep well?”

“Hey. Yeah, yeah I slept really well.”

“I’d imagine,” Fjord said. “It’s nearly 12.”

“Oh shit, is it?”

“No. No, it’s like 8:05.”

“Oh. God- fuck you, Fjord.”

“We should probably eat fast,” Caleb said. “Get back on the road. Lot of ground to cover.”

“Yeah, that makes sense,” Veth said. “Just one more pancake then.”

“Alright.” Beau started shoving bacon into her mouth, crunching it down as fast as she could.

As she did so, Caduceus sidled across from her.

“Hey,” he said softly.

“...Hi,” Beau said back with a mouth full of bacon bits.

“Look I, uh, I don’t know exactly what happened last night but, I hope you found what you needed.”

Beau paused, swallowed hard, and felt the blood rise into her face. “Huh? What do you- What are you talking about?”

“Well I mean...” he chuckled awkwardly to himself. “I mean, I kinda know what happened. Caleb’s room wasn’t exactly soundproofed.”

Okay. Beau was definitely going to beat the shit out of Caleb.


End file.
